South Park Rally

Call the movie studios, wake up the film crews, and get the cameras rolling, because years after the conclusion of Freddy Krueger's rampage, there's another waking nightmare about to hit town, and it ain't confined to Elm Street. Picture, if you will, a dream sequence in which a boy in the prime of his youth slowly boots up his computer to try out a few new titles from Acclaim, known at the time as the king of lame movie to game ports. Working up a frenzy as he shreds through the packaging of his latest acquisitions and fires up his PC, an infinite series of titles ranging from The Crow: City of Angels to Batman Forever, Judge Dredd, Dragonheart, and Alien Trilogy dances across the surface of the computer's screen. As this scene plays out, the young man's expression slowly changes from a look of awe to one of puzzlement, though these emotions quickly give way to sorrow and apathy, followed ultimately by stark terror. All of the sudden, the scene flickers and the young man wakes up to find himself in bed, covered in a cold sweat. Shivering in the cold, morning light, he rises to flick on a lamp which sits beside his desk and reassure himself that it was just a dream. Yet as he rubs the sleep from his eyes and squints in the harsh light at his PC, he barely manages to make out the words dancing across his monitor..."South Park Rally." He begins to scream, and scream, and scream...

OK, so maybe your first impression of Acclaim's arcade racer, based upon the most unwholesome show on TV, won't be quite so dramatic. After all, it appears to be a standard rally racer featuring the loveable and raunchy cast of South Park, who'll be competing in a series of holiday-themed events. Everyone from Cartman, Kyle, and Stan to Jimbo, Officer Barbrady, and Chef takes part in the competition and they're all armed with powerups that have been custom-designed to show a total disregard for good taste. Even though this genre of game has been out of style on the PC since the early 90s, who's to say that there isn't a considerable amount that homing dildos, Frida the hooker, and projectile vomiting can't do to breathe a little life back into the old dog? Plus there's the kicker that you won't find video games that get more mindless than this, and as the PC Data charts have proven, the public likes its action quick, fast, and dumbed down. Besides, who can get enough of Cartman shrieking obscenities in a voice like a wounded hyena?

Actually plopping your keister down behind the wheel of one of the karts dissolves any illusions of grandeur you might be suffering from, as South Park Rally proves to be a flashback to Acclaim's olden days, which the publisher would just as soon forget. Universally, all of the vehicles handle the same, which is to say quite poorly. Attempting to reach checkpoints in a predetermined order, grab fowl before the chicken lover can lay his paws on them, or place in one of the races is an almost insurmountable challenge due to this fact. Worse still, the problems suffered as the result of the poor controls are only compounded when you realize that the available powerups are strictly for show, because they can never be used effectively enough to serve any practical function. Trying to get near enough an opponent to puke on them or toss a water balloon up their wazoo is like trying to get Big Gay Al to, �play for the other team�...it just isn't going to happen. And like Al says, �that's just thooper,� (thanks for asking) for the AI controlled cars, who are omnipotent when it comes to their knowledge regarding the layout of the track. Pity the poor foo' who seeks to test his mettle against the machine, because trying to beat out the opposition, unlock hidden characters, and contend with the limited amount of continues you're provided with is a fool's errand indeed.

Provided you can find a bunch of suck...er, friends to join you on this escapade, multiplayer mode is offered as well, which could have been the game's saving grace. Having decided to give South Park Rally a test with a few pals via a LAN, I rapidly came to the conclusion, however, that the title bites the big one on all counts. Lag is an ever-present issue, making the results of races dicey at best and downright illogical at worst, resulting in a waste of time for all parties concerned. Trying to aim at your opponents is impossible, looking for checkpoints is a pain, and attempts to coax any entertainment value whatsoever out of the multiplayer experience are doomed to failure from the get go. Onlookers are liable to get more out of the game than the actual players as they watch competitors fumble about in a full 3D mock-up of various areas of South Park. Unfortunately, the novelty value to be had from observing friends flounder wears off quickly. As if it weren't bad enough that you have to listen to a limited library of sound clips over and over, the graphics are comprised of basic textures and shapes that should be considered primitive compared to most of today's 3D games.

Devoted fan of South Park or not, you will respect my authoritah and take a pass on this lemon. South Park Rally is disguised as a fun little arcade racer that bears all of the, ahem, wit and charm of the TV series, but gets old faster than the show's first season re-runs. In the process of being shoveled from one platform to another, this title's gameplay, graphics, and control scheme have been subjected to a tortuous journey which has left them totally devoid of content suitable for human consumption. What would Brian Boitano do? Avoid South Park Rally like the plague.

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