Dynamite Cop

Pros • nice, suitably cheesy graphics • easy to master	Cons • staggeringly ordinary • why is so little game so expensive? • where's the game?
Bottom Line Until this game reaches the budget aisles- it offers too little depth or fun to waste your time, energy or money on. Do not buy this game! Rent it...maybe. Borrow it- sure, why not? But whatever you do not plunk down $50 for DC- it’s just too easy, short and stupid. You’ve been warned...

Why did Sega ever decide to release a game like this? That’s probably a question most of you will be asking if you are unfortunate enough to cough up $50 of your hard earned cash for Dynamite Cop. It’s not that the game isn’t fun- because it can be- briefly. Unfortunately, even for what is essentially a straight from the arcade port (except for the improved graphics and cheapo mini games) Dynamite Cop has the lowest money to entertainment ratio of any game I’ve played in years.

First the crap plot: A very large cruise ship is overrun by a scurvy bunch of pirates led by a bearded, muscle-headed lummox named Wolf Hongo. As fate would have it, this ship just happens to have the President’s daughter aboard. Why this is of any consequence is anyone’s guess- as the Prez’s daughter (at least in this in this game) is quite an ugly child.

To absolutely no surprise, a crack commando team is sent to rescue the first Daughter from said pirates, while causing as much mayhem and destruction as humanly possible. And then just for kicks, they’ll poke fun at any souls pitiful enough to be named Wolf Hongo. This of course, is where you step in.

Somebody Call The Cops!

After choosing one from 3 possible heroes, you then get to choose just how you will attack the cruise ship (parachute, scuba or boat) to kick some pirate booty. Which method you choose to board the ship affects the order of rooms you’ll be fighting in.

Sadly, the differences between your heroes are minimal at best. You can choose from Jean, the girl, Eddie, the black guy or Bruno the white guy. All three characters play very, very much alike with a few almost indistinguishable fighting moves that separate them.

Once the beatings commence, expect to see fighting that will bring back memories of Double Dragon, Final Fight and a host of other old beat ‘em ups from years gone by. You and maybe a friend, basically enter a few rooms of the liner and smack around baddies by frantically mashing buttons on your controller. Whether you’re fighting in the casino, kitchen, by the swimming pool or other locales, the basic premise never really changes- the pirates just keep walking up to you, sometimes in line(!), to get beat on.

The problem here is that the bad guys are never particularly threatening to our hero(s), as they have very poor AI and, for the most, show almost zero defense. It’s also not uncommon to see these losers stand quietly in semicircles around you as they watch their mates get pounded on. Fortunately for you, there isn’t any need to memorize complex combos to unleash a neck-snapping move, as even the most punishing blows are pretty easy to perform. The bad is news some super-moves will actually strip your own energy.

Speaking of stripping- for reasons that are too stupid for anyone to comprehend, as your character gets beat up he/she will begin to lose articles of clothing. After losing a pant leg here, a shirt there, soon our character will be down to their underwear. Note to all you truly pitiful gamers looking for some T&A from Jean: There isn’t any! She only gets down to her sports bra and shorts- take a cold shower!

For a tad of variety, you aren’t just limited to you fists and feets of fury when it comes to dishing out justice. DC does have a plethora of knives and guns to pick up and use on the pirates, but it doesn’t stop there. You can use apples, pies, bread, arcade machines, racks of beef and just about anything else in a room that isn’t nailed down and some that should be- I never saw anyone get beat with a urinal until DC came along.

Occasionally, usually during a running cutscene, you’ll get a chance to press a button or wiggle your joystick just before the clip comes to an end. If you time it right, you’ll get to kick the snot out of a baddie or you’ll escape certain doom. If you fail, you’ll just fight a few more enemies in the next level. Either way, these semi- interactive cutscenes, while pretty, do not really enhance the game in any way, as they are forgotten as soon as they end. What a sad waste of GD-ROM space.

There are a few nicely rendered non-interactive cutscenes between beat downs, but they really don’t add much to the already non-existent plot either. They just give you another chance to hear some inane dialogue and witness the repulsive face of our commander ‘n’ chief’s offspring. However, the music makes nice use of synthetic strings in a silly attempt to heighten the tension of an already silly game.

The audio and visuals are actually quite good. While the graphics are sharper than they were in the arcades, they have a distinctly blocky look to them and are definitely not lifelike. But, then again, this only seems fitting when compared to the very cartoony violence seen onscreen. The sound effects consist mostly of the usual, canned "whack!" and "oof! Ow! Arrrgh!" noises you’d expect from this type of game. While nicely presented, DC won’t be winning any awards for innovation.

Criminally Bad

At $10 or even $20, this might’ve been an interesting buy as it doesn’t have enough replay value to last a weekend. Dynamite Cop offers almost zero replay value and really is mind numbingly stupid for most mature gamers.

And yes, it is possible to finish the whole game in about 40 minutes.

Unless your thumbs are feeling frisky and you have the urge to lose yourself in a mindless beat ‘em up, ignore this one. The only people I can see liking this game are too young to have played Double Dragon/Final Fight, or their myriads of clones. All others, you’ll find Dynamite Cop to be too stale and boring to play for the long haul.

Hey Sega, just what were you thinkin’?!

Info & Screenshots